Know thy Enemy: Seattle Sounders

Enough tears to fill Puget Sound

Famous Dueces throughout history


Alright guys. Let me show you something. This is me doing my #DueceFace during my morning constitutional.

Alright guys. Let me show you something. This is me doing my #DueceFace during my morning constitutional.

Did you know that Sounders defender Zach Scott is from Haiku, Hawaii? Of course you didn’t. Why would you give a rat’s ass about a player who is a rat’s ass? What you care about is haikus and we have one for you:

Zach Scott we hate hate

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

and hate hate and hate




We are contractually obligated to show this every time



Picture = 1,000 Words

His trespassing might be better than his passing these days

Why no smile, bro?

Mugshot: Why no smile, bro?

Multiple choice question. What has been the low point of Shalrie Joseph’s career?

A. Failing a drug test

B. Being arrested for trespassing

C. Wearing the Fishing Village’s puke green colors


What the…hmmm….what the….yep….no words…



If at first you fail, try, try, again

A fitting nickname

Michael Gspurning

Michael Gspurning

I am sure there are many nicknames that Timber fans could come up with for Sounders goalkeeper Michael Gspurning, but since this is a family publication we will stick with the one that he was given while playing in Greece: Cerebus. In Greek mythology, Cerebus is a three-headed dog who guards the gates of the Underworld. In Greek mythology, the Underworld is described as: “a place where plastic customers are prompted by their overlords to cheer on disgraceful gladiators adorned in garb that is designed to burn the retina.”


Before there was the podd, there was The Pod

Pirates? Who doesn’t like pirates?

podHistory. No wonder it was invented in 2009.




5mTKO Beer Endorsement of the Week

Do the Keller. #SeattleAway works best when double fisting.

Do the Keller. #SeattleAway works best when double fisting.

It is a derby weekend so it is time to step up our game. Instead of making just one beer endorsement this week, we are going with 15. There are 15 local breweries that have donated libations to make your #SeattleAway one in which you can tolerate the Fishing Village, the stench, and the 60,000 or so customers who exist simply to annoy you and to make you appreciate the fact you are not one of the 60,000 or so. Get your drink on in the bus and outside the gates and in your flasks. Don’t spend a fucking cent in that pointyball stadium. The only thing you should leave behind is a stinking heap of duece (preferably tucked away in Yedlin’s hair).

Need some more knowledge. Previous know thy enemy.

9 thoughts on “Know thy Enemy: Seattle Sounders

  1. ECS are indefensible in a lot of ways. But stop for a moment and consider some of the elements you are criticizing…you are basically talking Sh** about yourself. Its nice to have a rivalry, but your sense of self righteousness is out of control

    • What is your evidence that shows we are “talking Sh** about ourselves”? I don’t see any TA with neck tattoos of players who haven’t accomplished anything for the club, or such ludicrous face pain. Or our capos reveling in self-glorification (try to argue that the ass leading “Come on Seattle” isn’t about himself) because they went to Europe.

      Sure, we started out small, too, but we’ve grown from the bottom up. It’s been an organic process of shared individual experiences, not corporate inundation of the market with the same boring scarf.

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