In honor of all things good and evil we bring you Roberto and Nevets’ 5 Minutes To Kickoff, SCUSA All-Star Game First XI.
GK: Ice Funk. You’re not in until Ice Funk welcomes you. From Kindergarten Ultras to legit capo. Has been responsible for more clean sheets than a 3rd string keeper.
LB: Total Nerd. Molded in the Timbers tradition of bearded and ponytailed left backs. A disciple of the Sons of Ricky, a reader of esoterica, and a man who will knit you a scarf that will serve as the last line of defense against the winter winds of Troutdale.
CB: Barnacle Brian: Donkey shit and rave kittens. Internet Hooligan Magazine rates Barnacle as, #legend. 5mTKO and SCUSA named him Defender of the decade.
CB: Hoss: As any veteran in the Timbers Army will tell you, if you wanna score, go to the opposite side of the Bitter End Pub as Hoss. Hoss can shut down any chance you have of scoring.
RB: El fur de Ball: Every world class XI has to include that prick you hate who likes to get stuck in no matter what. It’s only fitting that the TA’s token conservative play on the right side, because he’s always right!
DCM: Pong. He would be in the lineup but he deleted his account. His probation officer Axe Girl sent us this note: “Die if doe nut bleeed 4 da badge!” X X “Against Modern All-Star Games!!!” hey anyone have a typewriter i could borrow to finish my ‘zine?
LM: Revolutionario. Unpredictable like Rodney Wallace. One minute he will post about agrarian rights in Mexico and the next he will post about something even less understandable. Oh and plus his board name sounds Brazilian. Viva Meh-he-co!
CM: Finnegan. On the pitch every team needs a fiery, gap-toothed leader who isn’t afraid to bait his opponents into outlandish comments. Off the pitch his charming metro style brings the autograph seekers ala Becks.
And to round out the XI:
FW: Bickle. His verbal slayings (Socco!) and sentimental musings makes both enemies and friends burst into tears. The Captain of SCUSA. Don’t agree with that one buddy boy? Go EADIAF!!
FW: Chris Cooper. Not as active as some, but those occasional post-match drunken posts about how he loves each and every one of us are truly special. His touch isn’t as soft as Sancho’s hands but we love him none the less.
RM: Timbers Ninja. Let’s be fair. He only makes the team because he is British and can play a mean pickle bucket.
Manager: Aussie Mike: You think Porter is a genius? Aussie Mike’s tactics fuse CFL, Cricket and Catchup Chips into a style he calls #CalgaryAway.